Well, looks like it’s officially 2013! I can’t say I’m sorry to see 2012 go. It was a rough year, filled with few highs and a lot of lows. I watched with great trepidation as my debut Carina Press romantic thriller EDGE OF LIGHT, a book that meant so much to me, was loving released into the world, with a fabulously chilling, evocative cover. I celebrated when people ‘got’ the darkness of the book and the meaning behind it, and hid in the corner when they didn’t. I got to hear three of my books in Audio for the first time ever, which was both strange and fascinating. And I scored a fantastic agent who believes in my writing and wants to represent my career. All wonderful, exciting, thrilling moments of my life.
But, I’ve learned that I don’t exist in a bubble — there are times when I wish I did, that I could just go into my writing bubble and block out all of the negative, overwhelming stuff that I give way too much power over me. Unfortunately, that’s hard, because at my core, I’m a person who just wants things to be okay. I want everyone to be happy and get along and life to be smooth sailing, and the more I pretend that the rough seas don’t exist, the worse those seas become. I guess I naively expected that if I could survive Stage IV cancer, that life would then be rosy and wonderful because I deserved it. I’ve gone through enough, darn it! It’s my time for THE BEST LIFE EVER.
So, I wrestled with my idea of what the “best life” looked like and saw in 2012, that my life was nothing like that. I was still struggling, still going through huge emotional and financial upheavals. Still feeling like a failure in a lot of ways. And when all these things took a toll on my writing productivity, it just fueled the idea that I was not good enough. That I was worthless and undeserving of better, and that I should be happy with what I had and stop whining about it.
I’ve never considered myself a slow learner, but it took the entire year to realize that…my best life ever is the one that I’m living. Because I’m here. Against the odds, I’m here. And no amount of stress, and cruddy outside…stuff…and the irreparable cracking of my optimistic, rose-colored glasses should ever rise above that fact.
Which leads me to this. 2013. Time for me to find some balance in my life. To stop letting the negative voices win (especially those within myself). To be a more productive writer and work both harder and smarter. To renew my commitment to enjoy every day, no matter what it looks like. To glorify God, with everything that comes my way. To renew my spirit when I feel it becoming burdened. To put more energy in home and family.
And to be eternally grateful in all things.